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near_enemy
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Interests: drawing cartoons, jujitsu, frank herbert's dune, sushi, TUNA FISH, nice pens
Expertise: i can wiggle one ear at a time or both together
Occupation: Supervisory
Industry: Real Estate
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
7/30/2004
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Cyvir
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| i get it. the reason why i like to be with him is because when i am with him i am more like myself. when i am with him, alone, i am not the beast. i am. there is something about my "relationship" with him that makes me comfortable enough to abandon all defenses. that is why he is able to hurt so deeply. much deeper than anyone has been able to hurt me in the last 10 years. that alone time, has been, and will be precious to me. something that no one else can ever take from me or diminish. it is the only evidence i have that i am capable of being more human, of feeling everything that i have suppressed. it gives me hope.
the hunger has cleared my mind. | | |
| according to frank herbert (my favorite author) "life is not a question to be answered, but a reality to be experienced." somehow to me this seems like a reasonable answer that i can feel good about accepting. life is an experience; good, bad, ugly it is a feeling. it inspires a "get out and do" mentality. i am still working on that.
for the last few weeks i have been physically sick, and then abruptly mentally sick. i have given up on eating. nothing tastes good anymore. i just eat to minimize hunger pangs. so far i have lost 10lbs. even i think i look like i am starting to waste away. but really it seems meaningless to eat. besides, being hungry keeps me awake, and if i am awake, then i can be productive. besides, i hate that gross full feeling.
i am going into the city tomorrow to be shamed and dehumanized. yay.
truthfully, i think i have learned a lot over the past three weeks. i understand now how meaningful friendships are, and i am thankful for them. i have realized that sc has killed the beast, if not entirely then mostly. it was a good thing. i didn't even think it was possible. one day, if i can get the words out, i will thank him for it. what is the beast? the beast is like my doppelganger that protects me from being hurt and instead hurts and pushes other people away by being tough, aggressive, and unfeeling. i suppose that to be balanced, some of that must go. simultaneously bringing out more humanity and the potential to experience more hurt. but, hurting is a part of living. i think to fully live life you have to fall down and scrape your knees, to cry. once upon a time i was incredibly hurt physically and i asked a, "why can't people act this nice to me all the time" implying that people are only kind in reaction to someone being obviously wounded. he said something to the effect that there was the possibility that people COULD act like that all the time. real, sincere, saying what they felt even though it was tough to admit, compassionate... and it would all be ok, and it would all fall into place. i looked forward to that day when i could finally exist without fear, without hurt, without a past, without a future, and just create a moment where i was totally real and totally honest, and totally transparent, and completely ok with it. i think that is the highest goal. i can only imagine what it must feel like to experience someone like that. i can only imagine what it must feel to be like that. no, i suppose that it doesn't have to be imagination, but a reality. a reality that i am maybe on a collision course with or against. time will see...
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| dispite everything, i have written some awesome poetry. now i just need to find a way to publish it all. still i cannot get it all out. he has been writing science fiction. i'll say. 26 year old wants to comitt to 37 year old male, male declines. it sounds unbelievable! i will try and draw. maybe i will get some relief then. | | |
| i am a lucky person to have so many friends who care about me. there was a time when i had no one. it bothered me. i am lucky to have people who will tell me things that i don't want to hear and i am lucky that i have learned to listen. i am lucky to have a family who looks out for me and a warm bed. there is something so deep and personal that he takes from me. it is a feeling i get being with him. more than just a feeling, it is like a drug. completely irresistable to me. i used to think that if i just had it for a second i would be fulfulled, but it just makes me want it more. when i touch him, i can feel his energy, his soul. i know it sounds completely nuts. not many people, if any can do this. but i can do it again now. it is so dangerous to me. it is like magnets close to eachother. then when you take the one away, the other searches out that energy to attach itself to. so dangerous because people who have beautiful spirits, can do bad things. he asked me about that, how i could tell if someone would make a good tenant. and i said all i know is that they don't mean to do something bad/ or don't think what they are doing is bad, it doesn't mean that they will not do it. because doing bad things doesn't make you a bad person. i cannot go back to feeling nothing because the feeling is so beautiful that it has deformed my logic. being young and foolish, makes me also stupidly hopeful that he will change. being logical, i should not wish. but even so, in my wildest dreams, at the edge of the earth, i never thought i would feel anything again because i had shut myself away so far away that i thought no one could find me. in my wildest dreams i was waiting for this kind of thing. the edge of the earth is not far enough now. | | |
| mainly i am writing so that xanga doesn't close my account... this weekend was good. the ol' ru clinic went well i think. wrestling around i discovered that i can do tenada jime from the half guard, something i was able to do purely because sc thought it was impossible to do and thusly decided not to thwart my attempt. when interviewed later i confessed that, "i never let logic interfere with my choice of techniques." ahh yes, logic. | | |
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